“Rape is not your fault”
My brother had a friend who was 26 years old, he knew him for many years from his school days, he use to come over to our house all the time so my family knew him very well.
One day he came over to meet my brother, but my brother wasn’t home at the time, I was home alone, everyone else was out, my mum and dad were still at work. I let him in the house , I told him he could wait inside as my brother had only gone to the local shops. He agreed and came in to the house, I told him he could help himself to some food and drink in the kitchen. I then started to walk upstairs, he asked me ‘where you going’, I told him I had homework to do and went in to my bedroom. Five minutes later he came upstairs in to my room, I was a little surprised to see him because he had never come in to my bedroom before, but I didn’t think much more about it.
I was sitting on my bed and he came in and sat next to me, he started asking me what I was studying and if I needed any help. I told him I was fine and didn’t need any help but he kept saying how he could help me and kept persisting. I thought it was weird that he was so eager to help me with my homework, he has never asked me before. He started to get closer to me and I started to feel uncomfortable, I moved away from him but he kept getting closer. I told him he could go now because I had a lot of homework to do, but he wouldn’t go. He started to touch my hair, he was telling me how nice my hair was and how I had grown up so fast. He asked me if I had a boyfriend at school and if any boys at school fancied me because he thought I was pretty. I really started to feel uncomfortable, I was shocked because he had never said things like this to me before. I told him my brother will be back soon and he needs to leave my room and go back downstairs, but he wouldn’t leave.
He got up and walked towards the door, I thought he was going to leave but instead he shut the door and put a chair in front of it. I started to panic and asked him what he was doing and all he said was ‘it won?t hurt’. I started to cry and asked him ‘what are you doing’, he came over to the bed and threw all my work on the floor, and he then pulled me from my legs. I started to kick my legs but he held them tight, I started to shout and scream at him, he then put his hands over my mouth. I felt so scared I was shaking and shocked, I didn’t know what was happening to me, I didn’t know what he was going to do to me or why he was being so nasty to me.
I couldn’t stop crying he told me to be quite otherwise he would tell my dad and brother that I invited him in to my room and told him to sleep with me.
He started to take off my clothes and held down my hands, he was hurting me so much I couldn’t do anything, I just lay there numb. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. I felt like I was in a bad dream and it went on for ages, and the pain was getting worse. I was crying and asking him to stop I was begging him ?please stop your hurting me? but he just carried on.
After it was done he put on his trousers, he then grabbed me by my throat and told me if I was to tell anyone he will deny it all and blame me. He said that no-one would believe me and that my family will think that I was making up stories and they would blame me and call me a slag and throw me out the house. He told me it was my entire fault, he said I was always flirting with him and I asked for it and I shouldn’t of flirted with him, he then let go of my throat and left the room.
I just lay there my body was all numb, I couldn’t move my hands or legs, I was in shock, was it all just a bad dream or did it really happen to me. I was confused, he was always so nice to me how could he have done that to me. I?m only 13, I was still in shock I had been raped I couldn’t believe it, how could he do that to me he was suppose to be like a brother to me and look after me. I wanted to be sick I got up and ran to the bathroom, I started to vomit and I couldn’t stop crying, my body was hurting my clothes were dirty and there was blood everywhere. I went back to my room and there was blood on my bed. I took off the sheets and put them in my wardrobe to hide them from my mum, I went into the bathroom and had a bath.
I stayed in my bedroom all night, I was so scared and shaking I felt so dirty, I felt so ashamed of myself. For weeks I kept washing myself, I would stay in the bath for hours trying to scrub him off of me, but it didn’t work, every time I looked at myself in the mirror I felt sick. I stopped eating and I didn’t want to talk to anyone I just stayed in my room all the time. Every day I went to school I felt like everyone was looking at me and I kept thinking that everyone knew what had happened to me and they were all judging me and they think it?s all my fault. Every time I close my eyes and I can still see his face and remember what he did to me, how he hurt me and I trusted him. I felt numb I didn’t know how to feel anymore, I wanted to kill myself I couldn’t talk to anyone, I couldn’t tell anyone. If my family knew they would hate me and throw me out the house because they all liked him and trusted him. I cried all the time I didn’t know what to do. I had stomach pains all the time; what if I was pregnant my family will kill me. I went on to the Internet to find out how I could get help if I was pregnant and if my family found out and threw me out the house where could I go.
I was in a deep sense of shock I felt very dirty, unclean and so used, I was at such a low point I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. I searched the Internet for some advice when I came across the Sikh helpline and I went on to their website. I read all about them but I was unsure if I should call them, I didn’t want my family to find out and I didn’t want the world to know about me or judge me.
For days I thought about it and I needed someone to talk to so I called the helpline. They listened to what had happened to me and told me it was not my fault and I wasn’t to blame, this has happened to many girls. The helpline got involved and supported me emotionally, they really made me feel comfortable I could talk to them about my feelings and I could talk to them about the incident and they didn’t judge me, I started to feel reassured and began to feel better about myself and eventually solved the issue by putting a stop to it and due to confidentiality we cannot give more information.
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